Mindbender
*Special note: This episode is so full of great moments that it actually should be quoted in its entirety.
Setting: Col. Lake and the commander in SHADO HQ after Moonbase reports sunspot activity which will temporarily knock out communications.
Straker: It's the feeling of helplessness I can't take.
Lake: Sunspot activity is a perfect cover for UFOs. Do you think they'll try anything?
Straker: I think you can lay odds on it.
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Setting: Miss Ealand informs the commander as he enters his outer studio office that Gen. Henderson is waiting for him in his HQ office.
Ealand: General Henderson.
Straker: How long has he been waiting?
Ealand: Long enough to work up a lather
Straker: Just what I need at 8.30 in the morning.
[Miss Ealand hands Straker some papers]
Straker: Thank you.
Ealand: I could always phone down with some excuse to get you off the hook.
Straker: Well, can you think of a good one that might do the trick?
Ealand: Fire in the studio?
Straker: No, it would take at least an earthquake to get one angry general off my back.
Ealand: Nuclear attack?
Straker: That might do it, if it was a big one.
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Setting: Col. Lake, Gen. Henderson, and the commander in Straker's HQ office.
Henderson: Straker, the committee meets in three days time. I need your report and all the figures.
Straker: I've been busy.
Henderson: Look, it takes money to run SHADO. A hell of a lot of money. And we're asking the committee for even more this time.
Straker: Well, that's your bag; you get the money, I run the store.
[The argument continues]
Henderson: We could both walk out tomorrow, and don't think I haven't considered it. But you, you've got a monkey on your back -- dedication. Think about it.
[Henderson leaves]
Lake: You want me to reprogram the computer to get out the finance figures? He is right, you know.
Straker: Yes, he's right right. Sometimes being wrong right is harder. No, let the computer run. I have to know what happened to Conroy.
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Setting: Straker's studio office where Byrnes and Straker have been discussing his work in the current series the studio is producing.
Byrnes: Mr. Straker, the series is going to pot. The scripts are old and hackneyed, and the entire production is lifeless and trite. I don't think it's doing anything for you. I know it's not doing anything for me.
Straker: Alright. Let's talk about it.
Byrnes: I didn't come here to bargain, Ed. I want script approval.
Straker: It's not in your contract.
Byrnes: Ah, well. [rubs forehead] Of course, you can hold me to my contract. But you know, I've been getting these terrible headaches lately.
Straker: Headaches? Hmmm. I wonder what could be causing that?
Byrnes: Oh, it could be eyestrain. From reading a lot of bad scripts. I mean, the kiind of headaches that keep me off the floor a couple mornings a week. Understand?
Straker: Yes. I understand blackmail.
Byrnes: Blackmail? I never said anything about blackmail. I'm talking about migraine headaches.
Straker: Well, why don't you leave it with me, Howard? I'm sure I understand.
Byrnes: I'm not sure you do. If you think I'm bluffing -- try me!
Straker: Alright. I'm calling. No script approval. You know, these headaches that you've been suffering from? They could be caused by a swelling -- between the ears? Shouldn't you be in Theatre Seven, looking at your rushes?
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Setting: Gen. Henderson and the commander in Straker's HQ office.
Henderson: Commander.
Straker: General.
Henderson: Close the door.
[They talk about the actions of Astronaut Conroy and Captain Jones.]
Straker: Well, if you're looking for an explanation, I don't know.
Henderson: The committee just won't buy that, Straker. They're going to want some answers, and you're sending me up there with nothing. What do you expect me to do? Stand up and give them a couple of choruses of "Lover Come Back"?
Straker: We need more time. If we'd managed to take Jones alive . . .
Henderson: What do you mean?
Straker: I killed him.
Henderson: You what?
Straker: With this gun. The one he had on Colonel Lake. [Throws it away] It was empty!
Henderson: Oh, don't give me that "Unkind to Straker" crud. If you can't stand the heat, you shouldn't be in the kitchen.
Straker: You're making this personal?
Henderson: Any way you want.
Straker - All right, General "Almighty" Henderson. Every man and woman in SHADO is my responsibility.
Henderson: Oh, my gums bleed for you!
Straker: They're highly trained, dedicated, often under tremendous stress.
Henderson: Oh stop it, stop it! You're making me cry.
Straker: My God, I'm really seeing you for the first time! You don't care, do you? You really don't care!
Henderson: Stress? We're all under stress. Father Straker and his bleating flock!
Straker: Don't push me, Henderson!
Henderson: Sheep!
Straker: Someone ought to take you . . .
Henderson: What, you? You haven't got the guts! Let's get back to realities. You're nothing but a bunch of spineless, gutless sheep, the lot of you! Maaah! Maaah! Maaah!
[Straker clenches fist to strike Henderson]
Director: Cut!
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Setting: Straker's outer office where Miss Ealand sits at her desk as Straker enters from the studio.
Miss Ealand: [picks up phone as it rings] Hello? [places hand over receiver and looks up at Straker] Yes, Mr. Byrnes?
[Straker does not answer, but looks at his inner office door and starts toward it.]
[Miss Ealand flips the door switch on her desk, turning on the 'do not enter' sign above his office door.]
[Straker stops.]
Miss Ealand: I'm afraid Mr. Straker is engaged.
Straker: I want to see him.
Miss Ealand: [into phone] I'll call you back. [hangs up] I'm afraid that's impossible. [checks her desk calendar] Shouldn't you be in Theatre Seven, Mr. Byrnes? They're showing your rushes.
__________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
Setting: Theatre Seven where the projectionist is showing Straker's life on the large screen at the front of the room. As the scenes continue, he becomes more and more distressed. Paul Foster enters and approaches him.
Foster: Mind if I join you?
[Foster sits down nearby.]
Straker: [confused] Paul . . . ?
Foster: It's Mike. I've only been your co-star for two seasons.
[Straker continues to watch as his son runs into the house to get his boat after he drops him off at home.]
Straker: My God, what's happening?
[Onscreen John runs out into the road after his father's car.]
Straker: No, John! No! Look out, John! John! [throws his arms across his face as the car hits his son onscreen]
[Onscreen has cut to the hospital after John dies where Mary yells at Straker, then leaves crying]
Straker: Stop it! Stop it! Stop it!
Foster: [to projectionist] Alright. Cut it. [annoyed as he looks at Straker] Well, I've heard of method acting, but you take the coconut. What's got into you?
Straker: You -- you take my -- memories, my life, my soul, and stick it up on that screen!
Foster: What's this? The star bit? It's make believe. We're all in the same busiiness. Pretty pictures for the masses, right?
Straker: Listen, Paul . . .
Foster: Mike.
Straker: Mike -- whatever your name is -- it doesn't matter! You're part of the nightmare, this nightmare! All this -- everything I've seen -- I know it's only in my mind.
Foster: [amazed] What?
Straker: They're trying to make me crack -- make me believe in the unreality! Conroy, Beaver James . . . they must have gone through the same thing! You've got to help me!
Foster: I don't know what you're talking about.
Straker: I'm talking about you and my nightmare. I have to get back. I need your help. I need Paul Foster's help!
Foster: [in disbelief] You're crazy!
[Straker slaps him across the face quite hard, then runs from the theatre.]
__________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
Setting: Col. Lake and the commander in SHADO HQ after Moonbase reports sunspot activity which will temporarily knock out communications.
Straker: It's the feeling of helplessness I can't take.
Lake: Sunspot activity is a perfect cover for UFOs. Do you think they'll try anything?
Straker: I think you can lay odds on it.
__________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
Setting: Miss Ealand informs the commander as he enters his outer studio office that Gen. Henderson is waiting for him in his HQ office.
Ealand: General Henderson.
Straker: How long has he been waiting?
Ealand: Long enough to work up a lather
Straker: Just what I need at 8.30 in the morning.
[Miss Ealand hands Straker some papers]
Straker: Thank you.
Ealand: I could always phone down with some excuse to get you off the hook.
Straker: Well, can you think of a good one that might do the trick?
Ealand: Fire in the studio?
Straker: No, it would take at least an earthquake to get one angry general off my back.
Ealand: Nuclear attack?
Straker: That might do it, if it was a big one.
__________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
Setting: Col. Lake, Gen. Henderson, and the commander in Straker's HQ office.
Henderson: Straker, the committee meets in three days time. I need your report and all the figures.
Straker: I've been busy.
Henderson: Look, it takes money to run SHADO. A hell of a lot of money. And we're asking the committee for even more this time.
Straker: Well, that's your bag; you get the money, I run the store.
[The argument continues]
Henderson: We could both walk out tomorrow, and don't think I haven't considered it. But you, you've got a monkey on your back -- dedication. Think about it.
[Henderson leaves]
Lake: You want me to reprogram the computer to get out the finance figures? He is right, you know.
Straker: Yes, he's right right. Sometimes being wrong right is harder. No, let the computer run. I have to know what happened to Conroy.
__________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
Setting: Straker's studio office where Byrnes and Straker have been discussing his work in the current series the studio is producing.
Byrnes: Mr. Straker, the series is going to pot. The scripts are old and hackneyed, and the entire production is lifeless and trite. I don't think it's doing anything for you. I know it's not doing anything for me.
Straker: Alright. Let's talk about it.
Byrnes: I didn't come here to bargain, Ed. I want script approval.
Straker: It's not in your contract.
Byrnes: Ah, well. [rubs forehead] Of course, you can hold me to my contract. But you know, I've been getting these terrible headaches lately.
Straker: Headaches? Hmmm. I wonder what could be causing that?
Byrnes: Oh, it could be eyestrain. From reading a lot of bad scripts. I mean, the kiind of headaches that keep me off the floor a couple mornings a week. Understand?
Straker: Yes. I understand blackmail.
Byrnes: Blackmail? I never said anything about blackmail. I'm talking about migraine headaches.
Straker: Well, why don't you leave it with me, Howard? I'm sure I understand.
Byrnes: I'm not sure you do. If you think I'm bluffing -- try me!
Straker: Alright. I'm calling. No script approval. You know, these headaches that you've been suffering from? They could be caused by a swelling -- between the ears? Shouldn't you be in Theatre Seven, looking at your rushes?
__________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
Setting: Gen. Henderson and the commander in Straker's HQ office.
Henderson: Commander.
Straker: General.
Henderson: Close the door.
[They talk about the actions of Astronaut Conroy and Captain Jones.]
Straker: Well, if you're looking for an explanation, I don't know.
Henderson: The committee just won't buy that, Straker. They're going to want some answers, and you're sending me up there with nothing. What do you expect me to do? Stand up and give them a couple of choruses of "Lover Come Back"?
Straker: We need more time. If we'd managed to take Jones alive . . .
Henderson: What do you mean?
Straker: I killed him.
Henderson: You what?
Straker: With this gun. The one he had on Colonel Lake. [Throws it away] It was empty!
Henderson: Oh, don't give me that "Unkind to Straker" crud. If you can't stand the heat, you shouldn't be in the kitchen.
Straker: You're making this personal?
Henderson: Any way you want.
Straker - All right, General "Almighty" Henderson. Every man and woman in SHADO is my responsibility.
Henderson: Oh, my gums bleed for you!
Straker: They're highly trained, dedicated, often under tremendous stress.
Henderson: Oh stop it, stop it! You're making me cry.
Straker: My God, I'm really seeing you for the first time! You don't care, do you? You really don't care!
Henderson: Stress? We're all under stress. Father Straker and his bleating flock!
Straker: Don't push me, Henderson!
Henderson: Sheep!
Straker: Someone ought to take you . . .
Henderson: What, you? You haven't got the guts! Let's get back to realities. You're nothing but a bunch of spineless, gutless sheep, the lot of you! Maaah! Maaah! Maaah!
[Straker clenches fist to strike Henderson]
Director: Cut!
__________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
Setting: Straker's outer office where Miss Ealand sits at her desk as Straker enters from the studio.
Miss Ealand: [picks up phone as it rings] Hello? [places hand over receiver and looks up at Straker] Yes, Mr. Byrnes?
[Straker does not answer, but looks at his inner office door and starts toward it.]
[Miss Ealand flips the door switch on her desk, turning on the 'do not enter' sign above his office door.]
[Straker stops.]
Miss Ealand: I'm afraid Mr. Straker is engaged.
Straker: I want to see him.
Miss Ealand: [into phone] I'll call you back. [hangs up] I'm afraid that's impossible. [checks her desk calendar] Shouldn't you be in Theatre Seven, Mr. Byrnes? They're showing your rushes.
__________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
Setting: Theatre Seven where the projectionist is showing Straker's life on the large screen at the front of the room. As the scenes continue, he becomes more and more distressed. Paul Foster enters and approaches him.
Foster: Mind if I join you?
[Foster sits down nearby.]
Straker: [confused] Paul . . . ?
Foster: It's Mike. I've only been your co-star for two seasons.
[Straker continues to watch as his son runs into the house to get his boat after he drops him off at home.]
Straker: My God, what's happening?
[Onscreen John runs out into the road after his father's car.]
Straker: No, John! No! Look out, John! John! [throws his arms across his face as the car hits his son onscreen]
[Onscreen has cut to the hospital after John dies where Mary yells at Straker, then leaves crying]
Straker: Stop it! Stop it! Stop it!
Foster: [to projectionist] Alright. Cut it. [annoyed as he looks at Straker] Well, I've heard of method acting, but you take the coconut. What's got into you?
Straker: You -- you take my -- memories, my life, my soul, and stick it up on that screen!
Foster: What's this? The star bit? It's make believe. We're all in the same busiiness. Pretty pictures for the masses, right?
Straker: Listen, Paul . . .
Foster: Mike.
Straker: Mike -- whatever your name is -- it doesn't matter! You're part of the nightmare, this nightmare! All this -- everything I've seen -- I know it's only in my mind.
Foster: [amazed] What?
Straker: They're trying to make me crack -- make me believe in the unreality! Conroy, Beaver James . . . they must have gone through the same thing! You've got to help me!
Foster: I don't know what you're talking about.
Straker: I'm talking about you and my nightmare. I have to get back. I need your help. I need Paul Foster's help!
Foster: [in disbelief] You're crazy!
[Straker slaps him across the face quite hard, then runs from the theatre.]
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